I don’t know what your name is, but I know who you are – and on this principle Susan Jeffers may be said to speak to us all as she writes Dare to Connect. For despite the many surface differences we manifest as human beings, one would hope we all share a common humanity, (even if 99% of a person is bad, there is still the 1% to work with!), and thus Susan greets the light in all of us, and dares to connect.
For although the title of the book is an imperative, an exhortation, it also describes what Susan is doing in writing, for this is a very daring book. Not because it proposes a radical new concept, a controversial technique, or some drastic measures, but through the very fact that she addresses the part of us which is so often hidden, so often buried, so often disguised, so often ignored, and that is our humanity, and the simple spiritual side of our humanity. Before I go any further it should be emphasised that we are not talking religion, but the spirituality of the “Higher Self” the part of us that transcends our petty everyday drives and programming, the part that in some way ennobles us. Jeffers takes a risk because even in self help books there can be a tendency to ignore the spiritual in favour of practical and reliable psychology, and for good reason – modern markets can very easily turn against authors who begin to use words like spirituality in a book where the secular reader is perhaps looking for something more concrete, more immediately useful.
Thankfully, the value of Susan’s work lies in the fact that she does not offer quick fixes, but in plain and easy to follow language she gives us an understanding of how and why our relationships with other people are flawed and fraught with pain and misunderstanding. This applies not only to romantic relationships but also family situations, working life and friendships.
What I like about Susan’s writing is that she comes across with wisdom, respect for the reader, and weaves humour into the very serious business of human relations. Life is about connecting with each other, bearing our souls to each other, supporting each other, learning with each other, but it’s also very much about laughing with each other. And so we find that finding love on this strange planet is not about purchasing the correct deodorant, wearing the right dress size, and moulding ourselves into the correct specifications – it is first and foremost about finding out who we are, being comfortable with who we are, and learning simply to be who we are.
This wouldn’t be a self-help book without some practical tips and there are plenty of these, including advice on how to strike up conversations with strangers and how to connect with others in our lives – but this is mostly a long term journey. You have probably read at least one book that promises to change your life within minutes, but of course are more cautious in the face of such promises when such radical change doesn’t happen. I can’t promise that Dare to Connect will result in perfect relationships (apart from anything else there’s no such thing!) but it will give you the insights and the confidence to start making changes, beginning with yourself (don’t worry this is more about becoming the real you than making changes and compromises for the sake of a relationship!). And from those small changes in ourselves, it is amazing what an impact on the world can follow. Love has a place not just in our homes, but in the workplace, in the street, in faraway places too.
And I applaud Susan for using her book to dare to connect, to spread this word of love, and hope my review serves to help it spread just a little further 
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I’ve been dipping into some self help titles lately, and over the weeks I’ll be sharing my journey with you, if you don’t mind reading of course! I read a lot of novels, but for various reasons have not read much in the way of non fiction in recent times (could it be my propensity for escaping?!). Anyway, I will be open with you and tell you that although I am an intelligent, capable, resourceful and wise individual, these qualities have not until recently enabled me to be as relaxed and happy about my life as I should be. Listen to this – I am academically gifted (I have a first class honours degree and a Masters degree), I am a published writer and have performed my poetry on stage, I have had a number of successful jobs and am now making a living from an Internet business which I started from scratch. I also enjoy the friendship of some pretty amazing people. But for a long time there is one thing which has been totally lacking in my life.
CONFIDENCE.
I am being serious – in spite of all my achievements, my success and my abilities, I have spent a large amount of my life being held back because I did not have the confidence to do a certain thing (speak to that person, apply for that job, leave that job, do something different that day) and I think it’s fair to say I have long been the victim of a crippling shyness. Those who have seen me present to a room full of people would probably find this fascinating, but the truth is I have often done this through sheer will – they should have seen how I felt inside when a complete stranger talked to me, or when I was sitting around a table hearing the buzz of conversation, terrified of speaking myself unless I said the wrong thing or made a fool of myself (and how many opportunities have I lost because it was far safer to hang on to my pride and my security by not taking a risk, not going outside my comfort zone, just plodding on thinking I was doing the best thing for myself by protecting myself from rejection and trouble.)
And I repeat, I run a successful business and people like me! And I could hold those thoughts on a daily basis, and even find plenty of negativity in my situations – that person should have talked to me, it’s their fault, things didn’t happen quite right, it would have been better if, I should have done that. Even after working for 12 hours on my business I often berated myself for not doing enough, not putting enough effort in, and at the end of the day tried to find something extra I could do – because I felt that if I could only do a little more, everything would be all right, and then I meticulously planned the next day, then something happened to spoil my plans, and I experienced such a deep rage that all my plans had been wiped out. Even though not carrying my routine plans through that day would do me no significant harm (rationally I knew this), I felt enraged that my balance had been upset. I kicked things. I hit things. Yes, an educated and quiet, shy retiring person getting wound up in the privacy of my own home and office because the smallest things didn’t go as I needed them to go to feel secure in my routine…
Things came to a head recently, as I have been working through a number of issues through my friend and life coach, Louise, who helped me to quit smoking in December 2005 and has helped me with a number of other things. I knew I needed something additional, as no matter where I sought inside myself, for some things I couldn’t find the answers. I knew I wanted answers, knew I wanted something, but still found myself clinging to my routines for safety. One Saturday recently I had planned to get “enough” work done so I could spend the evening relaxing and have Sunday off. A web host decided they would ruin my plans by fooling around with a few of my sites and wiping out the last few days work. I would have to redo it all, upload everything again, links I had painstakingly submitted to other sites would have to all be resubmitted, now I would never be able to do enough to have that relaxing time, I would have to work all day. I started getting madder and madder, how could this host destroy my peace of mind like this, how could they ruin my plans. Damn them, didn’t they realise I had a business to run? Now they had ruined my entire weekend and made my entire state of mind miserable.
And what was the worst consequence of all this? I might lose a few pounds/dollars. I have enough in the bank for most things, and I have plenty of other sites earning me money.
Boy, was I lost at that point in time. Something snapped at that point and I knew if I carried on in this way it was never going to be satisfactory. I decided I would shut the computer off and get some books, as reading has always soothed me and helped me escape. I thought I could now use it to perhaps learn something. I got a pile of books, whose contents I will share with you, and also some audiobook self hypnosis recordings.
I had read such books and tried such recordings in the past, but I sensed one major difference in myself. This time, I wanted to change, and was willing to put in some effort. I think the major mistake some people make is that they think they will read the book or listen to the tape and there will be a magical transformation. There can be – but believe me it won’t work if you are thinking, “This is utter rubbish, it will never work…” Or “This is a con!” The last time I tried these were my thoughts, I thought I would give it a go, and if the book or tape changed me, fair enough. The difference this time was, I was determined that I would change myself, and needed help, which I think is a key difference.
In any case, I am glad I shut off the computer that day and started my real work, the work of self-development, for I am growing from being an inhibited, shy, controlling, restricted and frustrated person into something I still haven’t found words to describe. The few days I have thus far spent working on my own development is worth all the twelve hour days I have or ever will put into my business!
I began with Susan Jeffers’s Feel The Fear And Do it Anyway. The title rather appealed to me as I realized there things I wanted to do and ways I wanted to be, but was afraid of getting there. My biggest fears included: Spending the rest of my life alone, spending the rest of my life with someone (fearing both equally – get that!), fear of my business failing, fear of not putting in enough time, fear of putting in too much time, fear of letting go and relaxing, fear of, fear of, fear of – I probably couldn’t finish listing all the things I feared if I sat here and typed all night long! So that was the first title I read, I suspended my disbelief, told myself I should take off my “Yes, but that’s stupid, if it was that easy why doesn’t everyone do it” head, and read it through, and couldn’t stop reading.
The book is not perfect, it is not a cure all, it may not be for everyone. I personally disliked the references to a higher power, although admittedly Susan does not let her religious beliefs become intrusive. Even as something of an agnostic and a humanist, even a cynic, perhaps, I was able to get enough tips and insights out of the book to feel a change begin to take place, with the author’s maddeningly simple commonsense solutions received gratefully by my commonsense radar. I am now eagerly reading and working through the companion book, as well as other titles, and all I can suggest is that if you are struggling with something, if you have fears, insecurities, and are not living the life you want to live, reading Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers will be of interest to you, and if you get even a quarter of what I got out of it, you will be amazed.
I honestly used to think pop psych books like this were utter rubbish. Humbly, I admit I was wrong, at least in this case, as I smilingly join the ranks of people whose lives Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway has helped to change
If you are in the US, the following iTunes link will enable you to purchase the anabridged audiobook of Feal The Fear and Do It Anyway:
or on iTunes Uk with 12,000 audiobooks available HERE
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